


I'll love you long after (you're gone, gone, gone)

by annakaashi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - War, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Heavy Angst, M/M, Major Character Injury, Military, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Soldiers, War, but it's not established, military doctor Akaashi, soldier Bokuto Oikawa Kuroo and Daichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-07-07 00:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annakaashi/pseuds/annakaashi
Summary: Daichi and Koushi. Koushi and Daichi. They've always been friends, best friends, partners. Never been separated by anything so that they couldn't see each other again. Then the war came, and Daichi had to go.Koushi just hopes his fiancé will come back home to him.***Keiji joined the army as a doctor so he could save lives. There, he meets a loud, cheerful officer, Bokuto, who comes into the infirmary with the smallest injuries.Keiji realizes he doesn't want to have Bokuto's life in his hands, because he isn't sure he could bear the feeling of responsibility he'd have if he somehow couldn't save the man he loves.***Tooru and Tetsurou went through a lot in their 27 years. They've seen families and friends being torn apart by the war. The war takes andtakes.They just don't want to lose each other.





	1. hard times come, good times go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BnessZ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BnessZ/gifts).



> Hello there! I've had this idea since June, and honestly, despite what's gonna happen, I love writing this a lot.  
>  **IMPORTANT!!**  
>  Please mind the tags, nothing really bad happens in the first chapter, that's the introductory part, but it's going to get angstier and maybe triggering in the later chapters, so please take care of yourselves!!  
> Anyways, I hope I haven't scared you guys away, and that you'll leave some comments and kudos on this fic, I'd appreciate the feedback very much!<3  
> weekly updates if not stated otherwise  
> you can find me here: [tumblr ](annakashi.tumblr.com)or [twitter](https://twitter.com/annakaashi)

The sound of a blaring alarm clock rouses Koushi from his sleep. He opens his eyes groggily, and stretches his arms over his head. The bed next to him is cold, indicating that Daichi’s already awake.

Outside the window, the sky is still dark, the only thing illuminating the streets in the cold morning is the street lamps’ light. Koushi feels like it’s a good metaphor. The grey sky being his stormy thoughts, the darkness his worries, and the lamps’ light being a flickering hope. Hope that he won’t have to wait much for the sun to rise and shroud everything in golden light.

But for now, there’s only going to be darkness and stormy skies.

He shuffles out of their bedroom, only to be greeted by Daichi already dressed in his uniform. Koushi loves seeing Daichi in his uniform in any circumstances except for this one. He just wants to rip it off him and tear it to shreds and burn it. Burn it all. But he knows he can’t, and he knows that Daichi has a duty he has to carry out. That doesn’t mean Koushi likes it.

He steps forward and drapes his arms around Daichi’s torso, burying his head into Daichi’s chest.

“Do you really have to go?” He mumbles.

Daichi sighs, and hugs Koushi back, rubbing his back comfortingly. “You know I have to. You know I want to protect you.”

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I don’t want you to go.” His fists grab the back of Daichi’s uniform, the material balling up in his grip. He can feel his knuckles going white, what with the force he’s holding onto Daichi.

The moment is broken by Daichi’s phone beeping. Koushi holds onto his fiancé even tighter, not wanting to let him go. Not _there_. He wants him here, away from all the harm, all the terrible things the war will do to him.

“Koushi…”

“Daichi please don’t go, don’t leave me here all alone,” he says, his breathing erratic and shallow.

Daichi swipes a thumb over his cheek, and Koushi leans into the touch. “I promise you I’ll come back home to you.”

“You better not break that promise, do you hear me Sawamura Daichi? I’ll skin you myself if you even think about breaking it!” Koushi threatens, a wet chuckle escaping his lips despite the situation they’re in.

Daichi smiles, the corners of his mouth lifting up. “Got it.”

His phone beeps again. Daichi hoists his duffel bag on his shoulder, and goes to the genkan. Koushi follows him in silence, the quiet morning air hanging heavily between them. He watches as Daichi ties his boots, and when he’s done, the finality of him leaving hits Koushi like a thousand bricks falling on him.

He surges forward, and grabs Daichi’s face, pulling him into a desperate kiss. He doesn’t want Daichi to leave, he doesn’t want this moment to end. He wants to stop time and stay like this forever.

Daichi’s phone beeps again, this time longer. “I have to go. I’ll return to you, I promise. I love you, Koushi.”

“You better. I love you too, Daichi. Please be careful,” he says, and Daichi nods.

Daichi turns around, and walks out the door. It closes softly after him, the click of the lock barely heard. Somehow, it felt like it was final. That Daichi would never walk through that door again.

Koushi breaks down sobbing, right there in the genkan, his breaths shallow and wet. He gasps for air, and clutches his torso. He’s too weak to get up, so he just sits there, weeping.

 

***

 

“Akaashi!”

Keiji heaves a fond sigh at the exclamation. Bokuto is yet again in the infirmary, as it seems. The other man comes in regularly with injuries like papercuts and the like, demanding Keiji to heal them as if he had magical healing powers.

He doesn’t. Sometimes he wishes he could. All those men he couldn’t save would be probably alive right now if he did have the power.

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

Bokuto huffs as he steps to Keiji. “I told you to stop with the honorifics. It’s not like a year or so matters here.”

They’ve had this conversation a thousand times in the last 8 months they’ve been here. All of it ends in the same way.

“Yes, you did, Bokuto-san, but you’re still an officer thus a superior to me,” he answers, pointing out the obvious. “So, what brought you here _this_ time?”

A quiet ‘oh’ leaves Bokuto’s lips as understanding lights up his golden eyes. “I cut a finger when I was cleaning one of my knives. Can you kiss it better?” Bokuto blinks owlishly at him, his tone seeming innocent but his eyes glint dangerously, like a predator waiting for its prey.

Keiji fights a shudder that’s threatening to rake over his body. Bokuto always had that effect on him, and it’s not going to change now.

“I can’t kiss it better but I can dress it up,” he shrugs, and moves to the cabinets holding the bandages.

Bokuto follows him, his shoulders hunched. “But Akaashi,” he whines, dragging out the vowels in Keiji’s name, “I’m pretty sure a kiss would heal it immediately! It’s totally your superpower!”

Keiji chuckles as he gets the necessary bandage out of the cabinet. He turns around, and orders Bokuto to sit down on a chair. He sets the bandage next to himself on the table, and gingerly takes Bokuto’s injured hand in his own.

It feels warm on his palm, and the callouses on Bokuto’s fingers tickle the skin there. His hand is sturdy and strong, the nails chipped at some parts, dirt settling under it. Keiji thinks that despite their very different occupations, they both have the same amount of blood on it. Just for different reasons.

Keiji admires the other man for his strong mentality. He’s pretty sure if he had to go through what the other man has, he wouldn’t be half as cheerful as him. But despite all the cheerfulness Bokuto has, Keiji knows that he’s a force to be reckoned with. He’s seen footages, seen him come back from a fight. The blood covering him is never his.

He quickly wraps the wound, and then lets go of Bokuto’s hand. It falls limply between them.

Keiji stands up, and pats Bokuto’s shoulder. “There, all done, Bokuto-san. Please try to not get it wet, and next time be more careful cleaning your knives.”

Bokuto stands up as well, and Keiji’s hand slide off his shoulder. Bokuto beams at him. “Thanks, Akaashi!”

Keiji smiles back softly, locking away the memory of that smile deep in his mind. “Anytime, Bokuto-san.”

 

***

 

Tooru walks down the corridor with papers containing information on the new cadets in his hands, Tetsurou by his side.

“How are we looking?” Tetsurou asks, peeking over Tooru’s shoulder.

Tooru hums in answer. “Not bad. There’s a few of them that look promising for the new squad, but we’ll see it when we train them.”

Their new squad is going to be a small, powerful group of soldiers that can handle infiltrations and smaller jobs that won’t require the whole part of the army that currently resides at this frontline. They’re not even _directly_ at the frontline, but it’s not like it matters. War is war. It takes and takes and _takes._ Only takes everything from everyone, and if Tooru wasn’t so afraid that one day it’d cost him his family, he would’ve quit being a soldier long ago.

It already cost him his best friend. He just hopes it won’t cost him Tetsurou. He’s his only reason he hasn’t gone mad with grief and worked himself quite literally to death.

Their boots fall with heavy thuds onto the floor as they walk, their steps synchronized from all the years of familiarity between them. Tetsurou pushes the door open to the mess hall, where the new cadets are waiting for them, and Tooru strides into the room.

The chatter that fills up the room is cut off abruptly and the cadets snap to attention when they see Tooru. He’s by no means a very burly or big man, but he’s intimidating and he demands attention wherever he goes. It probably helps that Tetsurou, who can make even the biggest, toughest men tremble in fear with a pointed glare, is standing behind him, his trademark smirk in place on his face.

Tooru slams the papers down on the table in the middle of the room, facing the cadets. “Listen up, cadets, I’m not gonna sugarcoat this for you.” He roams his eyes over the cadets’ faces, and he can see varied expressions. Fear. Determination.

He continues anyway. “You’ve made it through basic training, and you already got here and chosen for this project, but don’t you think for one second that this is the same as training. This is _war_. People get wounded, they die and they kill. There’s going to be blood. Luck alone won’t help you. You need skills too, especially in the group we’re recruiting men for. If we deem you good enough in the training we planned, your life is going to get more dangerous. Captain Kuroo will fill you in with details of the training.”

He gestures his partner behind him and steps back so Tetsurou can take his place, and as they pass each other, Tetsurou brushes his hand over his own. It’s a small gesture of reassurance, but it’s enough for Tooru. Enough for him to feel grounded and a bit more hopeful about this whole project.

Tooru watches as Tetsurou chalks up the outlines of the training they can expect, and watches as the cadets’ face take on a more determined expression, rather than showing fear.

When they’re done with orientation, they head back to their quarters in silence, their pinkies hooked loosely together. As soon as their door closes behind them, Tooru’s shoulders sag and he moves to hug Tetsurou.

Tetsurou doesn’t say anything, just holds him in his arms, a steadying and grounding presence. He buries his head in Tetsurou’s chest, the rough material of his uniform feeling uncomfortable and rough on his cheeks.

“I don’t want them to go through what we did.”

“I know,” Tetsurou says, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“I don’t want to lose more people.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want the war to get to my family.”

“I know.”

Tooru looks up at Tetsurou. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Tetsurou looks at him softly, with all the love and care in the world. In a world where there’s a war raging on and on.

“You won’t. You can’t get rid of me.”


	2. don't leave me here alone

_ “Dear Koushi! _

 

_ I’ve arrived safely and the camp site is actually quite nice, despite everything. We’re not at the front, so don’t worry for me, I’m safe. The food is a bit bland though, not that I can blame the cooks, they’re trying their best. Probably. _

_ How things are going for you? I hope you’re not overworking yourself, or I swear I’m going back home just to kick your ass to go to bed! The kids aren't going to be mad if you don't grade their papers for the next class. _

_ As for me, I’ve been selected for a special squad, but I won’t get chosen for it, I’m not cut for it. The comrades are nice, but they feel like they’d be a handful, I don’t envy our superiors. Speaking of superiors, the two leaders of the special squad seem really intimidating, but they know their stuff. Probably. From what one of them said about the training program, we’re gonna have a few dropouts. It already started, but even though I can keep up, I don’t know if it’s worth it. _

_ I miss you. I miss your laugh and your smiles. I hope this war ends soon and I can be back as soon as I can, so I can hold you in my arms and grow old together. Imagine us sitting in our garden with all of our grandchildren running around. I want that with you. I want to be there for you for every step of the way of getting old. _

_ I love you, Koushi, and please take care of yourself so I won’t have to face punishment for desertion. You know I’d take that for you. Take it a thousand times just for you. _

 

_ Always yours, _

_ Daichi” _

_ 20xx. 06. 21. _

 

***

 

Keiji has been on the front for the past week, patching up soldiers as they get rushed into the infirmary as best as he can. Sometimes, not even his best is enough. He doesn’t have time to think about it. The stream of injured is unending.

He hopes he won’t have Bokuto rushed in one day. He doesn’t think he could take that. He doesn’t want to have Bokuto’s life on his hands. Not because he thinks he’s not capable of saving people. He’s been proven enough times that he  _ is _ capable _. _ But what if he’s too late just that  _ one  _ time? What if his brain short-circuits and he won’t have any idea how to save him?

_ No. Stop. Don’t think about it. Focus. _

He stitches up wounds and bandages shot wounds and fishes bullets out of shoulders and stomachs and thighs. His gloves are stained red, always red. A new pair gets tainted in under a minute, its blue color disappearing.

The injured keep and keep and keep on coming in. The stream and the pressure is never-ending. And there's blood, so much blood.

He wipes the sweat from his brows as he straightens up, taking a deep breath to calm himself. He looks up just in time to see Bokuto carrying a man inside, his uniform soaked in blood. Keiji rushes over, and points Bokuto to a stretcher, asking questions in a rapid succession.

“What kind of injury?”

“Two shots. One in the stomach, other in the arm,” Bokuto answers him, laying the man down.

Keiji recognizes him. He’s one of Bokuto’s closer friends, Konoha. He knows this because the other man talks a lot about him. He immediately gets to work, digging for the bullet, trying to save the man. The bullet hit an artery. It’s too late, even if just a minute late. Keiji tries CPR, to get Konoha’s heart to beat again. It’s late, too late. The blood loss is too much. Keiji sighs heavily, and his shoulders sag.

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto slumps, muttering under his breath. “No, fuck, why him, why not me, I could’ve saved him if only I got there faster…”

Keiji can’t take it, so he takes Bokuto’s face in his hands. It doesn’t matter that his hands are still in those dirty gloves, it won’t show on Bokuto’s already bloodied and dirty and tear-stained face.

“Listen to me,” he says, staring into Bokuto’s eyes. “If you would’ve got there too, you couldn’t have brought Konoha-san into the infirmary in time and he would’ve most definitely bled out. This way, you gave him a chance to survive. Yes, he couldn’t make it, but you gotta fight and move forward.”

Bokuto opens his mouth to protest, but Keiji isn’t done. “I’m not saying to forget him, gods no. I’m just saying don’t let his death be in vain.”

Bokuto gulps, and tears gather in his eyes. Keiji hates seeing him like this. Hates seeing him cry. He wants to kiss the tears off his face, wants to hold him close and never let him go.

He can’t. He never confessed. Never felt like it was the right time, with the war raging all around them. They both feel that spark between them, but never talked about it. Accepted it, yes, but never addressed it.

Sometimes he feels like he should, like every moment spent together could be their last. He still doesn’t. Something keeps holding him back.

 

He doesn’t yet know he’s going to regret it.

 

***

 

Tooru is watching the recruits’ training when Tetsurou steps up next to him. He doesn’t need to look up to know it’s him. Years of fighting and training and just simply being next to each other makes them accustomed to the other’s presence. No matter how quietly Tetsurou tries to sneak up behind him, Tooru always, always knows when he’s coming.

“The ones that stayed look quite good,” Tetsurou says, breaking the silence.

Tooru hums. “I already know which ones should I choose, but I’d like you to take a look at them too.”

Tetsurou spends the next half hour quietly observing next to Tooru. By the time the recruits finished the circuit, Tooru can see that Tetsurou has his own picks.

“So, what do you think?”

“That one definitely, what was his name… Mura-something? Sakamura?” he thinks out loud. He snaps his fingers when he finally remembers. “Sawamura! Yeah, him. Also that other big dude, Ushijima. And we’ll have Bokuto too when he comes back.”

“Yeah, Bokuto will be a good addition. I also thought Futakuchi, that lanky brown haired one could be a great addition too, he’s a really good sniper and a fast thinker.” Tooru says, his arms crossed in front of his chest as he looks down.

The recruits are starting an obstacle course now that requires strength, stamina, marksmanship and being able to think quick on one’s feet. This one is made for pairs, so that they could see if the cadets can work with each other and are aware of their comrades.

The first one to enter is Sawamura with Futakuchi. They clear the course in no time, working together and communicating all through it. Communication is key in the heat of battle. It can save lives. Tooru knows it all too well.

_ It was supposed to be a standard flying mission, scout the territory and come back. Tooru doesn’t know where it went all wrong. One moment they were flying without any disturbance, the next they were being shot at.  _

_ Kuroo behind him was trying to find the source of the shots and eliminate it, Iwa-chan and Makki were flying in front of them. Suddenly, a shot made contact with the engine of Iwa-chan and Makki’s plane. _

_ Everything after that was a blur for Tooru. He didn't remember much, just moments. Moments when he was screaming through the comms, trying to get a hold of Iwa-chan and Makki. He remembered the static in his ears from the other end. He remembered Kuroo shouting for him and telling him to turn around. He remembered the explosion. He remembered the immense guilt for leaving his childhood best friend and his partner behind while he got out of it  _ unscathed  _ and in one piece _ . 

_ Unlike Iwa-chan and Makki. They couldn’t even get a proper funeral. There was nothing left of them besides a bunch of crumpled clothes and the very few personal belongings like pictures and knick-knacks. Not even a dog tag. The worst was imagining the look on Iwa-chan’s mom’s face when she got the news and the box of clothes left behind. _

_ Nothing left of his best friend. Just unimportant stuff. Some pictures, smiles and laughs frozen in time. Memories, fading away slowly as time wears them down with its inevitable passing, like a tree losing its leaves in the fall as a strong wind scatters them away under the grey, murky, stormy skies. _

_ After this incident, he started getting reckless. It was only thanks to Kuroo he got through it in one piece. _

He doesn't realize he zoned out until Tetsurou calls his name. “Tooru. You alright?”

Tooru looks at him, and smiles at him. He doesn't have to see himself, he can feel it's forced and strained. He knows that Tetsurou sees and knows that. 

“Mostly. I just remembered that failed mission.”

Tetsurou doesn’t move to hug Tooru, he knows he doesn’t like it when he’s thinking about that. He simply puts his hand on Tooru’s and squeezes it. It’s enough to remind him that he still has Tetsurou. It’s enough to ground him.

But no matter how much time passed, no matter how much love he gets from Tetsurou and how much love he gives Tetsurou, it still doesn’t chase away the consuming guilt.


	3. tattered and torn

_ “Dear Koushi, _

_ Remember when I said I won’t be chosen for that special squad? Somehow I  _ did  _ get accepted. Don’t worry for me, though, I made a promise to come back and I’ll do my utmost best to keep this promise to you. We haven’t been sent out to missions, we’re still in the getting to know and learning to trust each other phase. _

_ Remember how I said that the captains seem intimidating? Turns out, they’re not that intimidating when you get to know them. They both carry some heavy stuff with them, though, and I don’t want to pry. It must have been hard for both of them. _

_ I miss the feeling of your skin on mine. I miss your hands, I miss holding them, I miss watching them as you wash the dishes. I miss the way they roam over my body. I miss the way you run them through my hair, the way they used to massage the knots out of my shoulders.  _

_ I love you, Koushi, every inch of you, and I hope you’re doing all right and that you’re taking care of yourself. I’ll come back and desert and face punishment if you don’t, and you know I’d leave in a heartbeat. _

_ Forever yours, _

_ Daichi” _

_ 20xx. 07. 05. _

 

***

 

Keiji is rushing from one patient to another when someone comes into the tent, shouting frantically for a doctor. Since he’s the only one that’s not treating a major wound or operating, he looks up from his current patient. 

The blood freezes in his veins at the sight. Bokuto is being carried in by two other, relatively unhurt man. Relatively, because it's war and all it ever does to people is hurting them. One way or another.

_ No no no, this can’t be happening, not now. _

Keiji rushes over, and starts asking questions in rapid succession. What happened?  _ A bomb detonated near him. _ How long ago?  _ A few minutes, we brought him here as soon as we could.  _ Put him on that table.

The two soldiers lift Bokuto’s limp body up to the table, and Keiji feels his heart breaking. Bokuto, who’s always smiling or laughing, is now just laying on that table, bloodied and bruised and battered, his eyes staying closed, his mouth staying still and in a line. The serene look on his face creeps Keiji out, but not because it’s Bokuto, but because it seems like he’s  _ dead. _ Keiji never wants to see him like this ever again.

He starts working on pulling out the shrapnel embedded in Bokuto’s body. Luckily for him and Bokuto, it hasn’t hit a major artery, and his vest protected his torso. The process to remove the shrapnels is an hour long procedure as it is, and Keiji still isn’t sure he got all the pieces out of his arms and legs. He just hopes there won’t be any complications.

He wraps the wounds in gauze and sighs a sigh of relief that it’s over and done and that  _ Bokuto’s still alive. _

Saving people was the only reason he joined the army as a doctor. Before the war started, he was only a resident, and his best friend, Terushima was studying to be a lawyer. Then the war came, and Terushima was drafted. Not Keiji though.

Keiji was deathly afraid that he would lose Terushima one day, and that there would be nothing,  _ nothing at all _ , in this world that he could do to save him. He dreaded that day, he never wanted the day to come where Terushima died.

It came, mercilessly taking his best friend from him.

The day he got the news was a sunny Tuesday in early April. He walked to the Terushima residence for his weekly visit, where he’d keep Terushima’s mother some company and ask her about Yuuji. 

Every week, it would go the same: he’d knock, Terushima’s mom - Sakiko - would open the door with a weary smile, and let him in. Then he’d get ushered into the living room, and she’d ask if he’d like some tea. He’d politely thank her, and sit in silence until she’d bring it in. Then she’d ask some questions about his life, and he’d do the same. The topic would stray away from Keiji and then he’d ask how his best friend is faring on the frontline. He’d get the same answer each and every time:  _ he’s alive. _

But on that Tuesday, when he arrived to the house, the door was already open. He rushed there, not knowing what had happened, but then he saw Sakiko on her knees, staring into the open nothingness with a letter in her hands.

_ No, please don’t let be this what I’m thinking. _

He ran the rest of the way to Sakiko, and got on his knees before her. “Sakiko-san, what happened?”

Sakiko-san only handed him the letter, tears starting to stream down her face.

He quickly skimmed over the letter.

_ Terushima Sakiko… how much we regret the loss of your son, Private First Class Terushima Yuuji... Terushima-san was definitely a top notch performer… Please know that we have shared in your pain and sorrow and pay our final respects... Yuuji will certainly be missed by all of us. _

“No,” he whispered, his voice breaking. He  _ knew _ he should stay strong for Sakiko-san’s sake, but he couldn’t. He broke down crying as well, hugging Sakiko-san as they wept for a lost son and best friend.

This was the moment Keiji decided he’d try to get into the army as a doctor. He never wanted anyone to go through the same pain he did if he could help it.

 

***

 

Tooru’s only alive today because of Tetsurou. He knows this, Tetsurou knows this, Tooru’s mother knows this, basically everyone who knows what happened knows this.

After Iwa-chan and Makki’s death, Tooru threw himself into missions and operations and fights. At first, he thought it would help him forget the pain and the guilt that ate at him constantly. At night, the pain of loosing a childhood friend kept him awake, the ache in his chest never ebbing. In the hours of the day, he felt guilty and angry at himself.

Angry at himself, because it was because of him that Iwa-chan died. He was the one who got drafted. Not Iwa-chan. Him. But Iwa-chan followed him, his reason being that ‘ _ someone has to make sure you don’t train and work yourself into literal death, Shittykawa. _ ’ Tooru can still remember that warm and reassuring smile on his face, the warm, sturdy hand of his best friend on his shoulder.

‘ _ Mean, Iwa-chan! I wouldn’t!’ _ They both knew it was a lie, and that despite the whining tone, Tooru was grateful.

That night, as Tooru was laying in his bed, watching the ceiling in the dark, his thoughts wandered into a dangerous territory. Fear seeped into his heart, knotting his insides and constricting his chest.

On the first day he spent at the camp, he met Tetsurou. He and Iwa-chan got assigned to the same room as him. Tetsurou came off as a snarky asshole with a mischievous streak, but there was something in his eyes, something dark that screamed that he went through more than he let on.

A few days later they found out, when they woke up to the sound of whimpers and sobs coming from Tetsurou’s bed. They woke him, and let him cry on their shoulders. As it turned out, he needed it a lot.

He told them that he comes from a small town from Southern Japan. He told them how  it was raided by the enemy one night, how they went from house to house, killing everyone. How he heard the screams of his neighbors, how he sent a text to his best friend to hide with his family. How he tried to hide his little brother when the soldiers barged into the house. He told them that he was a tad too late in hiding his brother and how his brother screamed when their parents were killed. How he had to suppress his screams so at least he’d survive. How he decided then and there that he would get back at those soldiers and help in this war.

By the end of his story, not only him, but both Tooru and Iwa-chan were crying. That night, they all slept together in that one bed. It didn't matter it was small, so damn small for three grown man. They just sought comfort in the heat of the each others' bodies.

As the weeks passed by, the three of them got significantly closer, especially Tooru and Tetsurou. They welcomed Makki in their ranks soon after Tetsurou’ breakdown at night, and their quartet was formed. A few weeks later, Tooru and Tetsurou decided to tell their friends that they got together. Nobody was really surprised.

Then that failed mission happened.

As the weeks and missions and operations went by, Tooru felt himself getting numb. He started getting reckless, just so he could at least feel something when he got hurt. For a while, Tetsurou, who kept coming with him, tolerated his behavior.

Eventually, he snapped too.

“Tooru, we need to talk,” he said after a rather harsh and tiring training session.

Tooru hasn’t even looked up from tying his shoes. “Hm?”

“Okay, that’s it. I know you’re hurting and mourning and I know you feel guilty, but for fuck’s sake, Tooru, stop being reckless!”

Tooru looked up, his eyes sharp and burning with anger. “Do you know how it feels? I lost my best friend! I couldn’t even say goodbye, and I was the one who dragged him into all of this! He’d be still alive if it wasn’t for me!”

“You ask  _ me _ if I know how it feels?” Tetsurou said, his look cold like ice, tone scathing and slicing like a sharpened sword. Tooru realized suddenly what he said. “I know well how it feels. I know well how it feels to be there and being unable to do  _ anything at all. _ I know how it feels to be the one to survive. So don’t you  _ dare _ saying that I don’t understand it,” he said, turning away from Tooru with an air of finality, walking towards the door.

Tetsurou stopped before he opened the it, though. “That’s why I don’t want to lose you too. I lost my family, Tooru. I don’t think I could stay sane if I lost you as well,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Tooru never felt that ashamed before.

 

That night, as Tetsurou had his back to him instead of embracing him, he decided to stop being reckless. If not for his sake, then Tetsurou’s.


	4. just close your eyes (the sun is going down)

_ “Dear Koushi, _

_ I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a while. Our squad has been moved to the front, so that's why my letters became less frequent. It’s really different from what people see in the movies.  _

_ We can hear the gunshots from our tent, going off all day and night. It's kind of hard to sleep like this, knowing that not far from you there's a war raging on. I never told this to anyone, not even you, but I’m a little scared. I know I shouldn’t really be afraid, because I know that the squad has my back. But the thought of just getting shot and dying scares me.  _

_ The thought of never coming back home to you, however, terrifies me. I don’t want to leave you alone and fend for yourself alone in this world. I want to come back home to you, want to take you on a date to our favorite restaurant and eat great food. I want to hear you sing while you’re washing the dishes. I want to hug you in the mornings. I want to smell your shampoo when we cuddle in the bed and your hair tickles my nose. _

_ I love you, Koushi, don’t you ever forget that. I will do everything,  _ everything _ , to keep my promise to you. _

_ Always yours, _

_ Daichi” _

_ 20xx. 07. 27. _

 

***

 

Keiji is getting ready for sleep when a familiar shadow passes by his room. With his suspicions awakened, he peers through the door, only to see the retreating form of Bokuto. 

He steps out of his room, and calls after Bokuto. “Bokuto-san, what are you doing?”

Bokuto screeches to a halt, and even though Keiji can’t see his face, he knows he has that seemingly innocent expression on with which he tries to cover up the fact that he’s been caught sneaking out.

“Ah, Akaashi! What a surprise!” he says, his voice an octave higher than usual. “I was just strolling around. Couldn’t sleep and all that, y’know?”

Keiji’s eyes flit momentarily to the bag Bokuto has in his hands. It’s the one he keeps his training gear in. Keiji knows this, because he’s seen Bokuto go to training before with that particular bag. 

“And you need your training gear for that?” He asks, gesturing towards the bag in Bokuto’s hand. 

Bokuto scratches the back of his head. “Well, you see-“

“Bokuto-san, please. If you’re going to sneak out, at least please don’t lie.”  _ Not to me. I thought you trusted me more than that.  _

“I wasn’t lying! Just…” He says, voice faltering. “Altering the truth.”

“Bokuto-san, you shouldn’t train with those injuries. The stitches might open up again and then compl-”

“But I have to,” he says, cutting off Keiji’s words. He’s looking down, free hand hanging beside him, his fist in a ball. When he looks up, his gaze holds unwavering determination. It almost makes Keiji to take a step back. “I have to, ‘Kaashi, I have to be there for my team.”

Keiji loses his patience then and there. “But you will only hurt yourself more! Why do you insist so much on going back?! What good will  _ that  _ achieve?!”

“Akaashi, at least I can be helpful!” Bokuto shouts back at him. “Everyone back home told me I won’t make anything with my life the way I am. Too loud, too enthusiastic, never listens. I wanted- no, I want to prove them wrong, that I can be helpful and do something meaningful,” he says quietly, and Keiji gets it. He gets it but he doesn’t like it.

“You are helpful, but you still shouldn’t go back into action. Bokuto-san, please, I beg you, don’t go back,” he says, desperation seeping into his tone as he moves forward to place his hand on Bokuto’s shoulder.

The older man shakes it off, his expression closed and hard. “The others count on me. I have to go, Akaashi.” With that, he steps away from Keiji, and walks away from him.

Seeing his broad back, his retreating form, leaves Keiji filled with desperation and dread.

 

A week passes by, and Keiji hasn’t spoken to Bokuto even once. It feels like the man is actively avoiding him, and it  _ stings _ . Ever since they met, they haven’t gone without speaking for at maximum three days, and that only happened once because Bokuto was away on a mission.

Keiji can’t take this any longer. He gets up from his chair where he was writing reports, and starts searching for Bokuto. 

He searches for an hour, checking every place he thinks Bokuto would be. He’s not in any of those places. He bumps into a friend of Bokuto’s, Komi, and asks him if he’s seen him.

“Oh, he just headed out with the rest of his squad with Kuroo and Oikawa. They’ll be back soon, probably.”

“Thanks, Komi-san.”

Komi smiles at him. “No problem, doc.”

He heads back to his office, with thoughts swirling in his head.  _ I should have apologised sooner. _

He doesn’t want to think about that this may have been his last chance to do so.

 

***

 

When Tooru steps into the bar, the laughter and the clinking of glasses hits his ears. When Tooru steps into the bar, the sound of laughter and clinking glasses hits his ears. The atmosphere is warm and light, a safe haven and a hiding place from all the horrible things that are waiting for the soldiers outside. Some sit in groups, joking and laughing and enjoying themselves as much as they can. Others sit together in silence, staring into their glasses with dull, haunted eyes. Those are the looks of someone who lost a friend recently. Tooru knows that look well, seen it in the mirror for months.

He scans the place, and his lips curve into a small smile when he spots that awful hair. He orders a beer for himself, then heads to the table where the rest of his squad sits. When he reaches them, Sawamura, Futakuchi and Ushijima scramble to get up, but Tooru waves them off.

“I’m not your superior now, just a friend.”

“Yes, Captain,” Sawamura answers, and when he realizes what he said, flushes deeply. Bokuto’s deep laugh rings out, and even Tetsurou starts snorting.

“C’mon, Sa’amura, don’t be like that! If you knew what your captain is actually like-“ Tetsurou starts, but Tooru cuts him off quickly.

“Tetsu, no.”

“Tetsu, yes. So where was I? Oh yeah,” he says, leaning forward. “Your captain can’t do laundry. Once, he tried putting all of his clothes in the machine, with white shirts and all. Mind you, he has red underwear. His only luck was that I decided to do laundry that day too and stopped him before each and every white clothing of his turned bright pink.”

The group laughs, both at the story and the way his boyfriend tells it, with big hand gestures and in Tooru’s opinion, way too much waving around. Tooru looks him in the eye. “Kuroo Tetsurou, you’re dead to me.”

Tetsurou leans into him, resting his head on Tooru’s shoulder. He looks up at him, and starts grinning. “You love me, though.”

“I wonder why,” Tooru sighs.

The next half hour is spent with light chatter and joking around. They ask Sawamura about his partner back home, Ushijima tells them about the farm his family manages, Futakuchi tells them about his gentle giant of a friend who works at a zoo.

Then Tetsurou turns to Bokuto, and bumps his shoulder. “So, how are things with ‘Kaashi and you?”

Bokuto’s smile melts off his face, and his expression hardens. “They’re  _ peachy, _ ” he snaps.

“C’mon, Bokuto, don’t be so upset! They’ll be fine!”

Tooru notices that there’s more to the story than Bokuto lets on. “Tetsu.”

Hearing his name, Tetsurou turns to him with a questioning look. As an answer, Tooru shakes his head.  _ Tetsu drop it please. _

Tetsurou’s eyes flit back to Bokuto.  _ He’s not fine, and you know that makes him reckless. I don’t want anything bad to happen tomorrow. _

_ I’ll talk to him. _

Tetsurou nods, and then stretches his hands above his head. When Tooru looks away from him, he’s greeted by the confused looks of the others.

“What?”

Ushijima shakes his head. “You two are something else. It’s freaky when you do this mentally speaking thing.”

Everyone else around the table nods. Tooru just shrugs. “It’s a skill we perfected over the years. Comes in handy sometimes.”

They stay for a while, but the mood has plummeted since Bokuto’s outburst. They say their goodbyes, and head to bed. After all, they head out fairly early tomorrow on a mission.

Tooru hurries after Bokuto before the other man can get out of sight.

“Bokuto!”

Bokuto halts, and turns around to face him when Tooru catches up to him. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about what happened between you and Akaashi,” he says, and lifts up a hand to stop Bokuto from cutting in. “I’m not forcing you to tell me. All I wanna ask is if you’d been cleared to go out on a mission.”

Bokuto shuffles his feet. “Yeah.”

Tooru just quirks an eyebrow. “You’re not cleared, are you?”

Bokuto shakes his head. Tooru heaves a sigh. “You know you shouldn’t come with us tomorrow, but no matter what I say, you will come anyways, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, most likely.”

Tooru runs his hands through his hair. “Fine, you can come, but please be careful.”

Bokuto nods, and with a wave of his hand, walks away. When Tooru can’t see him anymore, he can feel Tetsurou coming closer to him, until he’s standing next to him.

“I hate to see him like this.” 

Tooru looks up at him, and he can see the weariness on his face. Bokuto is one of Tetsurou’s best friends, and Tooru knows it pains him to see Bokuto in one of his slumps.

“I know you do. Let’s head to bed, we have a long day before us,” he says, and links their pinkies together.

 

 

That night, they sleep tucked close to each other. It’s their last night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I haven't added any notes yet, as I included everything I wanted in the first chapter's, but I felt like it was needed this time. probably all of you who've read this so far figured out what's going to happen soon, and I just want to warn you guys it's not going to be pretty. I'll try not to go into details, but I don't have anything pre-written and I have no idea how or when the next chapter is going to turn out. I'll try to get it by next week so we won't stray from the schedule!
> 
> until then, you can reach me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/annakaashi), and I'll definitely say there when the next chapter is coming out!  
> see you until then!  
> ps. kudos and comments are appreciated <3


	5. I failed and lost this fight (never fade in the dark)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologise in advance for what's gonna happen

**_You are never coming home, never coming home_**

 

The night before the mission, Daichi feels… uneasy. As if something bad is going to happen. His stomach is in knots, his palm sweaty, despite his hand being cold. He tosses and turns in the bed, until he can’t take it anymore, and sits down to his desk.

Getting out a paper and a pen from a drawer, he starts to write a letter to Koushi, as he did every time he felt like it got too much. However, this time, it’s more like a goodbye letter than  
anything else.

_“Dear Koushi, my love,_

_I hope you’re doing okay. I’m ~~scared~~ _ _doing fine, though we leave on a mission tomorrow. ~~I don’t want to go, I’m terrified something is going to happen.~~ It’s going to be alright, we have a really good team. _

_I have to confess, there’s a reason I’m writing this now. If you somehow got this letter, then something probably happened to me and I couldn’t keep my promise to you. I’m really sorry about that I couldn’t keep this promise to you, no matter how hard I tried._

_I have to ask something selfish of you: please promise me that you’ll remember me and that you’ll be strong. I know you’ve always been strong, but please, keep being strong. Keep being the man I fell in love with._

_I’m not asking you to forget me, I never could do that to you, but please promise me that you live the rest of your life to the fullest. My only regret is that I can’t be by your side as you grow old. That I can’t hear your laugh one last time, can’t see that twinkle in your eyes, can’t hold your hand as we walk down to the store for groceries._

_I’m so sorry, Koushi, that I can’t be by your side, but I hope I can live on in your heart, even if I’m not here anymore. And when you pass away from old age (and don’t you dare come to me before that, Koushi, you hear me? I’ll smack you back into life!!!!), I’ll be waiting for you._

_I love you, forever and always._

_Always yours,_

_Daichi”_

_20xx. 08. 04._

Tear stains smear some of the words, and Daichi wipes his cheeks. He sets the letter on top of the last three he wrote, folded neatly. He hopes Koushi will never, ever gets to read them.

He wants to go back home to him.

 

Daichi’s body moves before he can think. He doesn’t know what compelled him to jump in front of Oikawa. But he did, and now he has at least three bullets embedded in his chest. Oikawa leans over him, his voice frantic and panicked.

“Sawamura! You gotta hold on!”

Daichi feels his eyelids grow heavier as the moments pass. He tries to look at Oikawa, but his form is blurry. He can feel the pain  in his chest, but it doesn’t register.

“Oikawa… please… look after Koushi…” he says, speaking getting harder with each word. “Now… that I can’t anymore.”

He closes his eyes, everything goes black, and the pain fades.

No more gunshots in the distance. Just peaceful silence and darkness.

 

_I’m sorry, Koushi._

 

***

**_All the things that you never ever told me_ **

 

“Akaashi-san!”

Keiji’s head snaps up at the sound of his name, and when he sees who’s coming in, he freezes. It’s Ushijima, carrying a bloodied, bruised Bokuto in. The front of his uniform is soaked in blood, tainting the fabric in red color.

Red, always red.

Ushijima carries Bokuto to a table, and Keiji looks at his limp body. His face is pale, and sweat glistens on his forehead. Keiji knows what he _should_ do, but he feels frozen, and his mind is blank, fear and panic clouding his thoughts.

“Akaashi-san.” Ushijima’s voice cuts through the fog, and Keiji puts on new gloves.

He leans over Bokuto, searching for a pulse. It’s faint, but it’s still there. Keiji sighs of relief, but panic starts to overshadow every thought.

_No, no, no, he can’t die, not here, not now, not when we haven’t made up yet._

The gloves are tainted with red, as Keiji tries to dig out the bullet that’s embedded in Bokuto’s stomach. He couldn’t have been hit too long ago, considering he’s still alive, but Keiji fears the bullet hit a major organ. Keiji doesn’t know if Bokuto’s lucky or not that he passed out from the pain.

_I can’t lose him._

Keiji digs for that damn bullet, and when he finally finds it and pulls it out, his gloves are red. Stained with Bokuto’s blood.

The heart monitor Bokuto’s hooked up to starts flatlining.

Keiji starts fumbling, rushing to restart Bokuto’s heart.

_Please survive Bokuto, you can’t do this to me. You can’t die. You can’t leave me here alone, I have so much more to say to you._

The machine keeps beeping, and tears start to stream down Keiji’s face. He collapses on the chair next to the table. Sobs wreck his body as he looks at the white face of Bokuto.

He’s late, too late.

“I love you, Koutarou. I’m sorry I never told you that.”

 

***

**_All the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me_ **

 

Tooru watched with horror as Sawamura dove in front of him. He had to move on, though. Now Ushijima took Bokuto to the infirmary as well, and now it’s only Tetsurou, Futakuchi and him left. The sun is beating down on them, making them sweat in all those layers they’re wearing.

Even those layers weren’t enough to save Sawamura.

They move closer to the building they have to scout. They don’t know where the shots are coming from, even though Futakuchi tries so hard to find their source.

“I’m going to check out the building,” Tetsurou says as they’re crouching behind a ruined wall.

Tooru looks at him. “Tetsurou, no. You don’t know what might be there.”

“I have to,” Tetsurou says, shaking his head. “I’ll be quick and be back in no time.”

“Tetsurou, please,” he begs, desperation and fear clear in his tone.

Tetsurou smiles at him. “I’ll be back.”

Tetsurou gets up, and runs towards the building. Tooru watches as he gets farther and farther away from him. He notices it at the last moment.

“Kuroo, don’t!” He shouts, with everything he has. Tetsurou turns back to him, just as he steps on the wire.

Even from this distance, Tooru can see as Tetsurou’s eyes widen with terror.

_I love you Tooru._ It’s the last thing Tooru can see him mouthing at him before the bomb detonates, engulfing Tetsurou in flames as the building crumbles down behind him.

 

When the dust settles, there’s nobody and nothing there. Just a big pile of rubble, and the pieces of Tooru’s broken heart.


	6. all of the colors that bleed to grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The after events of the mission

Koushi’s washing the dishes after dinner when there’s a knock on the front door. Confused, he turns off the tap, wondering who’d come over at this hour. He dries his hand in a kitchen towel, and heads to the door.

When he opens it, a man clad in formal military uniform stands in front of him, his cap in his hand. Koushi feels dread wash over him, already suspecting the reason the man is here for, but he refuses to believe it. There’s still that little flicker of hope he harbors in his heart. The last ray of sun can still be seen on the horizon.

“Are you Sugawara-san?” The man asks him.

He nods. “Yes, I am. May I ask why are you looking for me?”

The man’s eyes fill with pity, and he bows deeply. “I am here to inform you that Private Sawamura Daichi has been confirmed killed in action. I am so sorry for your loss.”

The words don’t register at first, and even when they do, Koushi only feels numbness. The man leans down for a box with a letter taped to the lid of it, and hands it over to Koushi.

The man bids him goodbye after another ‘sorry for your loss’. What good does a ‘sorry’ do? It won’t bring Daichi back to him. It won’t give him any consolation. He wants Daichi on their his doorstep, not a box with a letter. Not a man saying sorry that he doesn’t even mean. He’s just doing this out of obligation.

Koushi closes the door, just as the sun disappears behind the horizon, night settling in. Koushi finds it fitting. His hope of seeing Daichi ever again died with the last ray of sunlight, and nothing stays there besides darkness and hopelessness.

 

Months fly by, and Koushi still haven’t opened the box that holds all the stuff Daichi’s left behind at the base. He never had the strength so far. It stays tucked away on the top shelf of the closet.

On a sunny afternoon, he takes it down, and rifles through it. He finds clothes, a picture that shows the pair of them, Koushi laughing while Daichi has his arm around his waist. Asahi took that picture of them, and it was one of the best days they’ve ever had. Then he finds a box, filled with letters that he never got. By the time he’s done reading them, the papers are wrinkled where the tears have fallen on them, and Koushi’s chest aches. The pain is unbearable, he feels like his lungs are on fire and his throat hurts.

Not as much as his heart, though.

Throughout the next few weeks, his friends come to visit him, to check on him how he’s doing, but the apartment feels stifling. Koushi keeps reminiscing about the memories Daichi and he made here. The quiet nights in, filled with cuddling and watching movies and throwing popcorn at each other. Koushi watching from the kitchen door as Daichi washes the dishes. Hurried mornings and serene evenings.

He can’t take this anymore. He can’t live in this house anymore, not when Daichi’s gone. He asked Koushi to be strong, but he can’t be strong in this apartment anymore.

 

So he opens his laptop and starts looking for apartments.

 

***

 

Keiji is sitting in his room when somebody knocks hesitantly the door. He doesn't want to see anyone, not now, not for a while. So he doesn't say a thing. The person on the other side of the door knocks again, this time more firmly. He still doesn't say anything, he doesn't want to let anyone in. The door is the only thing that he can hide behind, because he fears his walls will crumble down to dust if anyone steps into the room and ask him how he's doing.

“Akaashi, I know you're in there, I can see the light under the door. Open up.” It's Komi, one of the nurses he works with. “Akaashi, I'm gonna break down your door if you don't open it.”

Heaving a sigh, he gets up and opens the door. “What do you want, Komi-san?”

Komi takes a step back when he sees Keiji. Surprise and worry wash over his face, and settles into a frown. “I want to talk to you, you've been holed up in your room ever since… ever since _then_.”

“No,” Keiji says, moving to close the door. “I don't want to talk.”

Komi wedges his foot between the doorframe and the door, making it impossible for Keiji to close it. “No, Akaashi, it's not up to debate! You can't stay like this! I hate to see you like this… this defeated, I can't stand it when one of my closest friends is suffering!” He shouts, panting by the time he finishes. “Please, Akaashi, talk to me,” he whispers,  and Keiji’s resolve crumbles.

He opens the door, and steps aside to let Komi in. They sit on Keiji’s bed, with their back to the wall. Keiji pulls up his knees, hugging them as he rests his cheeks on the top of his knees.

“You know that I loved - no, love - Bokuto, right?” he asks, and glances at Komi, who only nods in answer. “I never told him how I felt about him, despite knowing that we both liked each other. I thought ‘ _we still have time, I'll tell him after we get out of here’._  Turns out, we didn't have time,” he chuckles, tears starting to stream down his face.

He wipes his eyes, and continues. “And that's not even the worst part in all of this. No, the worst is that they brought him to me and I couldn't save him. I blanked out, I panicked and it cost me his life. What good am I as a doctor if I can't even save the only person, in this rotten world we have, that makes me feel warm and at home? Who burned so bright that the sun couldn't even compare to him? And it's my fault that this bright sun doesn't shine anymore. It's all my fault. We haven’t even made up after that argument.”

The sobs escape his lips without meaning to. Komi doesn't say anything, and Keiji’s grateful for that. He gasps for air, his vision blurry from all the tears. Komi rubs his back comfortingly, but it only makes him cry harder. His hand is small, so small compared to those strong ones. The ones that he patched up after several accidents with knives and cleaning rags. The ones that held his own after a particularly rough day. The ones that held him on nights he crawled into bed with him after he woke up in cold sweat after terrifying nightmares.

Now, the blood on his hands feel even heavier and redder. He feels like it's dripping down his fingers, collecting in a pool under him. He doesn't think he can ever get rid of it.

 

***

 

Tooru is rummaging through the drawer of Tetsurou’s desk when he stumbles upon an envelope with his name on it. The writing is Tetsurou’s, Tooru knows it like the back of his hand, having read the same thin and scratchy characters in reports and notes. He picks it up, and carefully pries it open. He takes the letter out, and starts reading it.

_“Tooru, my one and only,_

_I really wish it wouldn't have come this, to you reading this letter. You deserve so much better than what this world full of violence can offer you. I don't know if_ I _deserved better, but there's no changing now what happened._

 _I know you feel like it's your fault, but Tooru, believe me when I say it's not. You and I both knew the risks when we took this team on, we both went into it willingly. My luck was worse than yours, that's all. I want you to live a life without guilt. This time, I won't be there to tell you to stop, so I want you to watch your limits. Don't throw yourself into work and danger just because I'm not there anymore to say_ ‘stop, you're killing yourself’. _Don't throw the life away that we worked so hard to keep safe._

_Please keep on living the best life out there for you. If you have to quit the army, do it, or just take a break from it, you're more than entitled for one. Please, take care of yourself. If you feel like it's too much, keep pushing on, but please, don't stretch yourself too thin. You're strong, I know it better than anyone, but not even you're unbreakable._

_I love you, more than anything. I want the best for you. I want you to smile and laugh. I want you to be happy. I know it will be hard, but if it's you, you can do it. You always could. Push through your grief, and smile from the bottom of your heart again, with that wide grin of yours._

_Take care of yourself, Tooru. I love you. We'll meet again, I promise._

 

_Love you always,_

_Tetsurou”_

Tooru can't keep his tears at bay anymore, he lets them stream down his face, dripping off his chin onto the paper. Clutching the letter to his chest, he sinks to his knees, sobs wracking his body.

The last time he cried, there was a warm body holding him, stroking his hair and wiping his tears with a thumb, the touch feather light and soft, a caress of love. Now there's nothing, just the cold room, and the tears carving a cold path on his cheeks, nobody there to wipe them off. All Tooru feels is scathing, unforgiving coldness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's a wrap on I'll love you long after (you're gone, gone, gone)! Honestly, I've loved writing this fic and discovering a new side of my writing. I feel like I've improved a lot writing this and my other fics, and I hope I can continue improving with every word I type. It's kind of bittersweet to let this fic go, it's been a project of mine since July, I think, and even though I was at least a month late with the epilogue, I'm happy that it was only chapter that was this late, I'm very bad with deadlines that I've set for myself. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this fic, even though it is kind of really angsty in some places. Thank you for reading, and I hope I will see you guys at my other fics too! Love you all<3
> 
> if you wanna talk to me, you can do it here:  
> [tumblr ](annakashi.tumblr.com)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/annakaashi)
> 
> ps. kudos and comments are very much appreciated<3


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